Most kids look forward to watching TV afterschool or going home and chilling with friends. I, on the other hand, look forward to getting my next high, even thought I’ve been high throughout the day. No one seems to notice how scared I really am of life.
It’s really frightening once you set your feet firm on the ground, once they’re set, they’re set. You can’t do anything about it to change it. You are on your own. I’ve heard it so many times, “I understand what you’re going through,” but to be honest that’s a bunch of bull shark. I know that because I don’t even understand myself. Sometimes I think I’m just a confused, scared little kid. It’s just that everyone around me seem to have so much control of their own lives. I seem to be the only one bouncing around in circles and it’s a cycle that doesn’t seem to have an ending.
I grew up without a dad or mom. I learned how to ride a bike by falling 45 times everyday for a week, alone. On Mothers’ Day or Fathers Day, I was the one kid who would avoid school just to avoid the subject. My friends wondered where my parents were, I wondered the same thing. I told myself they were doing it for the best. My whole life growing up I pictured my parents and I together, like a family, like those I saw on TV, the happy ones who eat together, that have ups and downs but stay together. Sadly, that didn’t happen. It’s always been me, myself and I. I never expected anything to be easy, but I also never imagined things could get this difficult. When I was getting high I thought I had control, I was running this. Talking to my friends about this, I came to find out I am not the only one.
My friend Nick starting drinking at a party his big sister was throwing years ago, now he does stronger drugs. He mentioned something I can relate to, he said, “if I had the chance to change things I wouldn’t, because I like who I am.” I also like who I am, I’m not a bad person.
Something I don’t like is the labels I get: pothead, tweaker, crackhead. All that stays in my head, it keeps repeating itself over and over again. I’ve heard it so much I expect it like the air I breathe. At one point I started to believe it, putting myself down but I never got completely used to those names. I know it’s easy to judge but I just want someone to understand that it’s hard being me.
All I ask for is for someone to put their feet in my shoes, just for one day. I know for sure there are other me’s out there. That’s something that gets to me, something that makes me think all night. If you know of anyone sure they get it. You may be saving someone’s life. Never judge anyone for doing drugs or making any other mistakes because maybe judgments is what pushed them to the point where they are. Trust me, I’ve experienced a lot in the past few years and it only gets harder, life is hard but the older you get the worse the consequences are. I have been arrested a couple of times and I don’t want any more trouble.
Prison is what I am trying really hard to avoid because I like my freedom. So if you’re the one with the drug problem, talk to someone you trust. There are resources out there that you can go to for help. Places like Church of Christ of the Valley located at 2212 Cherry Avenue, I heard from a friend that they really do help. He says unlike other places they are there to truly support the ones who need help.
If you feel like you don’t want other peoples sympathy, do it for yourself and no one else. Stay true to you and no one else because in the end whose there? YOU! You are the answer to all your problems and believe me, nothings impossible. I’m proud to say I’m going to change the labels and what people expect me to be, which is what is giving me strength to stop abusing drugs. Find something that encourages you to do the same. #Team.Sober!