image:some rights reserved by Osvaldini
by Diego Sandoval
Editor’s Note: This story was originally published in We’Ced Youth Magazine Issue #2
[dropcap]Ever since [/dropcap] I was little, I knew I just wasn’t the same as other kids. I didn’t feel normal. I tried to block this feeling from everyone, including myself. Being so young, I didn’t think I was ready to confront the judgments I would be facing. I tried not to think of it so that it wouldn’t concern me.
Even though I was young, I knew how cruel people could be because everywhere I went all I heard were antagonistic comments and conversations that people had about other people. I was just a little boy when the world overpowered me and impregnated my brain with unimaginable, hideous thoughts.
As a result, I became the biggest homosexual bully. I was trapped, tangled in emotions that forced me to contribute to the hateful plan that the wicked world had created. A plan full of anger and selfishness, a plan to bring into existence evil and it seemed to have worked. For years I let that poison run through my veins and I put down homosexual kids endlessly, I felt that it was my responsibility to make sure they knew how disgusting and sinful I thought they were.
I was so brutal at times I made them cry. That filled me with joy and happiness. I mean that is what I used to say, but really I wished I had the guts they had to say who I really was. I remember thinking of apologizing for the things I said or did to them but I was too proud. “They deserved it,” was always the last phrase I said every night before I squeezed my head into my pillow, hoping to fall asleep.
In 2008 when I went to middle school, I got tired of the venomous beast-like human being that I was becoming. I was sinning more with my actions than I thought they were. So I committed to set myself free. I wanted to think for myself and be influenced and dominated by no one but me. It took forever to break each and every one of those chains that had me tied down in the dark- ness, immobilized. It was the toughest situation I have ever been in. At least that’s what I thought, but all that changed in late 2011. I met someone through school, in my Life Science class, third period. We sat in the same row, he sat two seats in front of me. I didn’t have the guts to talk to him right then and there, so I added him on Facebook. One day he updated his status saying “like my status if you’re down to cupcake,” which means like my status if you want to talk on the phone, so I liked it. We started talking.